Of the many hard things, the most difficult thing to understand and work through has been the loss of my sweet puppy Silas. He was a true companion and friend and it breaks my heart that I do not have him anymore. He was a joy to my life and I loved spending time with him. I had to put Silas to sleep a couple of weeks ago because of an unfortunate incident involving a sweet child. Nothing pains me more than to describe the day of taking my dog to the vet and watching something so full of life, love, and energy deflate like a balloon. I can vividly remember as the shot went into his arm Silas looking back at me with a sweet glance that said "what is happening mommy" and quickly after that he closed his eyes and breathed his last breath. In just an instant, my puppy was gone. I don't think I ever realized how quickly it happens and every bone in my body wishes that it didn't have to be this way. Tears have seemed to flow like water gushing out of a fire hydrant. They don't seem to stop. The pain doesn't seem to go away.
So much of me wants to blame God in this situation and wonder why the heck a "good God" would take something so dear from me. I shudder at the thought of why. More than anything it makes me hate the fact that God is sovereign and that, although he didn't make this happen, he allowed it to happen. However, when I think about my pain, it seems trivial to some of the things other people in this world face. The thought of losing a parent at a young age or a child must be much worse.
I sit here in the beautiful Rocky Mountains and find it hard to find joy. I am doing what I love and my well feels so empty. However, I have had many adventures out at night and have found some incredible places to see the stars. As I have looked up, I have been reminded of God's love for me and the way that he provides beauty to remind me of who he is. When I look at the stars, I am quickly reminded how small I am and how big he is. I must choose to believe that because he has the ability to create something out of nothing, he surely has the ability to spring up joy from a dry well.
I love the verse Isaiah 58:11. It has brought me much comfort in the last few weeks. It says "the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desires in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a well watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters never fail."
Although I know this verse to be true in my head, I'm trusting the Lord to make it real in my heart. I want so badly to be able to fix my pain and understand "why", but in this time I have to sit in my pain and trust the Lord to fix what is broken. Someone once told me that I should always ask the question "how does the gospel speak to this in your life" and as I ponder this question, this is my conclusion. Just as Jesus took a broken sinner like myself and made me right with him, he can surely take a broken heart and restore it again.
I believe him for that.
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