Colorado

I haven't written in quite some time. It has been a crazy month and my heart has been broken quite a bit. I'm still trying to process what the heck the Lord is doing and trying to understand what it means to walk with God through hardships.

Of the many hard things, the most difficult thing to understand and work through has been the loss of my sweet puppy Silas. He was a true companion and friend and it breaks my heart that I do not have him anymore. He was a joy to my life and I loved spending time with him. I had to put Silas to sleep a couple of weeks ago because of an unfortunate incident involving a sweet child. Nothing pains me more than to describe the day of taking my dog to the vet and watching something so full of life, love, and energy deflate like a balloon. I can vividly remember as the shot went into his arm Silas looking back at me with a sweet glance that said "what is happening mommy" and quickly after that he closed his eyes and breathed his last breath. In just an instant, my puppy was gone. I don't think I ever realized how quickly it happens and every bone in my body wishes that it didn't have to be this way. Tears have seemed to flow like water gushing out of a fire hydrant. They don't seem to stop.  The pain doesn't seem to go away.

So much of me wants to blame God in this situation and wonder why the heck a "good God" would take something so dear from me. I shudder at the thought of why. More than anything it makes me hate the fact that God is sovereign and that, although he didn't make this happen, he allowed it to happen. However, when I think about my pain, it seems trivial to some of the things other people in this world face. The thought of losing a parent at a young age or a child must be much worse.

I sit here in the beautiful Rocky Mountains and find it hard to find joy. I am doing what I love and my well feels so empty. However, I have had many adventures out at night and have found some incredible places to see the stars. As I have looked up, I have been reminded of God's love for me and the way that he provides beauty to remind me of who he is. When I look at the stars, I am quickly reminded how small I am and how big he is. I must choose to believe that because he has the ability to create something out of nothing, he surely has the ability to spring up joy from a dry well.

I love the verse Isaiah 58:11. It has brought me much comfort in the last few weeks. It says "the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desires in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a well watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters never fail."

Although I know this verse to be true in my head, I'm trusting the Lord to make it real in my heart. I want so badly to be able to fix my pain and understand "why", but in this time I have to sit in my pain and trust the Lord to fix what is broken. Someone once told me that I should always ask the question "how does the gospel speak to this in your life" and as I ponder this question, this is my conclusion. Just as Jesus took a broken sinner like myself and made me right with him, he can surely take a broken heart and restore it again.

I believe him for that.

Funny things of the day....

Today was a great day. It started as usual in the office but my afternoon was sweet because i was able to travel down to the city to meet with one of my H.R. friends to discuss my job and life on staff! I love the city. I can see myself being a city girl! So much hustle bustle. So much to do. I just want to explore it and know it all!!

Funny Thing # 1

You will probably not laugh at this but i find it surprisingly humorous. I literally laughed out loud. After my trip to the city, I was driving to my next destination and this enormous truck in front of me had a huge sheet of plastic that was just hanging out of the back. I kept thinking to myself "what would happen if that sheet of plastic flew out?". Well, I found out! The large sheet of plastic came flying out of the truck bed and headed straight to my windshield. Luckily, i was paying attention and didn't panic. The sheet grazed across my windshield and over my car. I quickly looked in my rear view mirror at the car behind me and it had gotten stuck on the side mirror of their car. I laughed out loud (extremely glad it wasn't me), especially when I saw the guy hanging out his window driving 55 miles per hour trying to untangle it, drive, and detach it from his car. Literally, a sight to see. Very funny.

Funny Thing # 2

After my trip to the city, I met up with 3 of my friends from college for a dinner get together.

 Now, these girls are dear to my heart and I tend to laugh a lot with them. However, my friend Kristy is one of the funniest people I have met. She comes up with the craziest ideas! So tonight at dinner she was explaining how she was teaching her 5th grade students about the life cycle and how everything feeds on something else. To help her students get a better grasp of this, she collected 5 piles of her dog Jillian's doo doo (yes, i do mean her dog's poop) and brought them into her class. She made her students dissect the feces, as one of her colleagues referred to the samples, in order for them to see the different types of organisms that feed on feces! Casey, Katie and I could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness of Kristy's science experiment, but also know that her kids are extremely lucky to have a teacher that is so creative. I'm sure those kids will remember that until they are at least 50.

I love to laugh. Today I laughed a lot!

believing what's true

Why is it so stinking hard to believe things that are true?
I am continually wrestling with the fact that grace exists. I don't understand it. It seems so impossible. How come I can decide as a small child to follow Jesus, but as an adult, struggle so hard to believe that Jesus' death on a cross really paid for my sins. How could he possibly continue to love a perpetual sinner. I do not understand it!

When I got home from work today, I took Silas to the dog park. I just love it there because Silas can run all he wants, swim and get muddy, and I don't really care. It's so funny to see him just desire to be dirty. His favorite thing is to jump in the mud and roll around in it and swim through the stream that flows through it! I just enjoy seeing him free within the bounds that are set for him. In the realm of the dog park, he has everything he needs. Fun, freedom, mud, water, other dogs, people, toys, space, etc...There is so much to enjoy.

I also enjoyed seeing spring today. As I was home for Easter this past weekend, spring was already in full bloom, however in PA, spring is just starting to arrive. Although I love winter, I am always hopeful and expectant of spring to arrive and I never doubt that it will come soon (even if the calendar says April or May). I know that it will be there.

I think that God uses spring to remind us of himself. It is such a beautiful picture of redemption. Just think about it, the plants have to shed their leaves, die, and be pruned in order to be ready to bear fruit, flowers and leaves in the spring. They must "die" to themselves in order to live again.

Although spring comes and goes every year, and I never doubt that it's coming, I do doubt that God does the same thing in my life. So often when he is pruning me  and bringing things to my mind that I need to die to and give up, I doubt that there is life on the other side. It seems so wretched to cut off and take away things that seem almost part of my being. I'm praying right now that every moment that I am enjoying spring, I would gain a greater glimpse of our Savior. In the same way that God makes things new in the spring, he makes things new in our life. In order for spring to come, winter has to precede it. It doesn't look like spring all year round.

I don't often doubt that spring will come, but I do doubt that God will makes things new in my own life. God's word is full of truths that are continually reminding us that through faith in Him, we are made new. It is not by obeying the law or becoming perfect, but resting in the fact that he has justified us and credited our life with his. We are hopelessly slaves to the law, unless we have believed in one who has gone before us to live the life we could never do on our own.

Although I am far worse than I ever dreamed possible, I am more deeply loved than I ever hoped or dreamed.

Spring reminds me of the Gospel.

I love these daffodils! One day they aren't there, and the next day they are! Such a surprise and delight of the spring! Absolutely Beautiful!

Like Mother...Like Daughter

My mom is great! She has taught me some really great things. One of my favorite things about her is the way that she loves and serves people. She definitely has the spiritual gift of hospitality and I want to be like her.
This weekend I have been at the Worldwide Student Network (WSN) Conference for our students who are going on an International Summer Project. It's amazing to see how many students are being called overseas to reach students for Christ! We have about 90 students here going to East Asia, Botswana, Kazakhstan, Australia, Venezuela, and North Africa. This is the first weekend they have met together as a team and are getting to know one another. It's fun to see them begin to bond!

To connect the two thoughts.....

I have had the privilege of feeding all of these students and staff this weekend. Between breakfasts and lunches and dinners, I have traveled to and from the grocery store a 1/2 dozen times and made sure every one here has a happy belly! But all this to say, my mom taught me so much about caring for people in this way. Between all of the cookouts and get togethers at our house, the parties, and snack supers at church, she has taught me a ton! I have so much to learn, but am SO THANKFUL for her!

already forgotten...

I should have written this yesterday, but I forgot. Another reason, I'm keeping this blog.
Yesterday, it was a quite pleasant day. The sun was shining and the air was warm. I took Silas on a walk to Rita's Water Ice to get refreshed by the yummy flavors that they always offer. I haphazardly grabbed my debit card on the way out and went!
When I got to Rita's the line was through the parking lot. However, since it was sunday afternoon and I didn't have much to wait for, I decided to stand in line. Many people asked about my dog (because he is so dang cute) and I had a lot of fun conversations while waiting. 25 minutes later, I got to the front of the line and slowly pulled out the card that I thought was my debit card to get ready to pay for my water ice. However, when i reached into my pocket, I realized that I had accidently grabbed my staples rewards card instead of my card that could actually pay for something. IDIOT...I thought!

I sheepishly walked out of line explaining to the people behind me that I had grabbed the wrong card. The man looked at me and said "ma'am, it's crazy for your to have waited all this time and not get anything. Here is some money, grab what you want! I would be glad to be pay for you!"Somewhat embarrassed, I declined, but they insisted and paid for me to get my Rita's!

Sometimes God is so sweet in those moments! I love how he uses strangers to provide for us in the least expectant ways. Never did I think on my walk to Rita's that I would be treated to a delicious cup of mango and watermelon water ice by a stranger! Next time, however, I  will remember to not be such and idiot and grab something that will actually pay for what I want!

That was something worth remembering!

And, if you haven't had Rita's, you should try it! It's absolutely delicious on a warm sunny day!! My favorites are mango, watermelon, swedish fish, cotton candy, and tropical fusion! Yum!

Self Discovery...

I think one of the best things about life is when you discover something new about yourself. It's so fun to realize what you like and what you don't like. So often though, when people ask me about my "favorites", I don't have an answer. It's almost like I'm scared to commit to something. "Favorites" seem so permanent. Nonetheless, these are some of the things I love right now, as of March 21. I need to let myself have the freedom to let them change if they want! You can always update your favorites list right?

1. I love the color green.

2. My all time favorite movie is Home Alone. I just love it. It makes me laugh every time! (It's absolutely ridiculous to think that a family could actually leave their 8 year old child at home, but still, it's great!)

3. My favorite season is fall. (although i do love the spring after a cold winter)

4. My favorite drink is Diet Sunkist.

5. My favorite form of chocolate is the m&m. (although i do miss the light brown color that was replaced by the blue sometime ago).

6. My favorite flavor of Ice Cream is usually just a Vanilla Soft Serve Cone with Rainbow sprinkles.

All of this was spawned on by the fact that for a long time, I didn't think I liked concerts. I had been to one back in college and it was "okay", but not life changing. So, I just decided then that I didn't particularly like them. However, this past weekend I went to see Mat Kearney and Ingrid Michaelson with Tim at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia on a complete whim. However,  I absolutely loved it! I had a blast. I want to go again! There is something about live music and good company that makes for a great night! 

the past 24 hours...

After picking up friends from the airport last night, I return home at 1 a.m. to find this:

I am such an idiot. Who leaves the garbage can in the middle of the kitchen with their curious pup. Let's just say, I will never do that again. And poor Silas. I had cleaned out my refrigerator yesterday. He ended up consuming a broken raw egg, old grapes, and a sour quart of milk (he tore through the container and must have licked it up). As he came to bed, I could tell his tummy was feeling horrible. He groaned all night and slept as close to me as he could get. I was worried. But today, he is back to normal!

Mondays are always hard days. Especially when you have lost an hour of sleep, stayed up to 2 a.m., and then it's pouring down rain. Needless to say, I have 3 highlights.

1. I made a huge pot of Brunswick Stew for work tomorrow! I love to cook! It makes me really happy.

2. I made a cake for my neighbor Joe. Today he is 53! I am so thankful for their friendship. I love to bake too. Sometimes I think it would be fun to decorate cakes all day. (i'm not that skilled at it, but it's super fun).

3. I got a new bible in the mail. You may laugh, but it's one of the greatest translations! From beginning to end, this version of scripture shows children that the bible is a book about Jesus. From Genesis to Revelation, it show's the redemptive story of Christ. I just love it! I can't wait to read it!

Today was a great day!

A dog on a leash.

Before I got my dog, I remember praying that God would use him in my life to meet people and that he would be part of my ministry. Kind of a funny prayer, but I have met an incredible amount of people on my walks that I would never have met while walking alone. There is something about a cute dog with a 2 foot wagging tail that attracts people. I love it and continue to pray that God would use Silas to allow me to meet people who don't know Jesus.
In this prayer, however, I never thought the Lord would use him so deeply in my own life to show me a picture of Christ. Silas is a relatively good dog, he doesn't chew my belongings, doesn't use the bathroom in the house (unless we're at my parents), and he is super protective of me. One of our favorite things to do together is to walk. Each morning he runs down the front stairs, runs straight into the yard, uses the bathroom and then looks at me like "mommy, I'm ready to go now!"I hook him up and we are off. Although Silas loves our walks, he has a mind of his own. When a particular smell gets him, he is stubborn and fixated on finding out exactly what it is. He sometimes tends to wander into the busy street because the sound of something catches his attention. There is also a cute little duck couple that swim together in a pond that Silas always wants to drag me in to see. (Falling into a pond on a 30 degree morning is not my idea of fun...nor would it be for Silas if I actually allowed him to do so). All this to say, the leash and my wimpy strength are the only thing that keep Silas on the path.
As I was walking one morning, I realized how much my morning walks with Silas are so much like my own walk with God. All I want for Silas is that he would walk alongside me and keep in step with me. I want him to not get distracted by all that is going on on either side of the path, but I want him to trust me to know what's best for him. Silas has no idea that cars driving down the street at 40 miles per hour would tremendously hurt him or kill him. Or that licking something up on the sidewalk (usually outside of the Crossroads Bar in Downingtown) is probably not good for his stomach, seeing that it wasn't good for someone else's. Or that if we don't get his morning exercise, he is going to be a wild man all day while I'm at work and he is hanging out at home in the kitchen alone. Because I love him dearly and would do almost anything for him, I want him to trust me to know what's best for him. I pull the leash to gently guide him back to the path because I do know what's best for him.
This same idea is strikingly similar to my own walk with God. He loves me deeply and more than anyone or anything ever will. In Ephesians, Paul prays that the people would be able "to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" (3:18b-19). Most days, however, I walk in such a way that I think I know what's best for me. I get distracted by the ways and the things of the world that seem so much better than the path God has me on. I want to be financially stable and therefore I get jealous of people with high power jobs with six figure pay checks. I want to find some sort of value in worth in what I look like so I continually obsess about my appearance and what others must think of me. I want people to love me and appreciate me so I'm continually trying to earn the affection of others. I am constantly pulling on the leash into the street, under bushes, and into dangerous territory. In the same way that I gently pull the leash, God is doing the same. Through his words in scripture and his spirit within me, He reminds me often of the path he has called me to walk. Sometime I think I am fixated on a particular spot on my walk, not just for minutes, but for days, weeks and months. I wonder why God doesn't just leave me there. Doesn't he get tired of pulling the leash? Doesn't he get annoyed that we won't just COME ON! But that is not our God. He is committed to doing what he started in those who love him and know him. He is committed to being faithful to them, even when we are not faithful to him.
If you don't believe that God if faithful to his promises, just read the Old Testament. It is incredible to see over and over again the cycle of the Israelites and their relationships with God. You will be sure to see their fickleness and I guarantee if you were in charge, you would have thrown in the towel by now and picked someone else to fulfill the promise. But God doesn't! He gets angry sometimes and allows them to experience heartache and suffering, but he never leaves. And, he is always there waiting for them to run back into his arms! It's unreal. It's amazing! It's the gospel.
One of the fears in my life that I have begun to uncover in the past week is my fear of bringing my sin to the Lord. I fear that when I do, he will realize who I really am and want to throw in the towel. My bank account of grace for the same old thing will be over drafted. But, as I was reading a book this week, the author reminded me of this verse in scripture. Hebrews 7:25-27  says that "Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself". What I saw, maybe for the first time, is a picture of Jesus standing before the throne, continually absorbing the cost of my sin. His sacrifice was once and for all. It does not run out. I am amazed at the length that Christ went to to draw us into a relationship with himself. I long to understand what Paul meant in Ephesians about the depth, breadth, and length of Christ's love for me. I believe that my understanding in this truth will be life changing. 


Each morning as I walk Silas, I am reminded of God's desire for me to walk in step with him. He has quite the adventure for us that is GOOD. He might lead us along some scary places, but He will be there to walk alongside us. 


I'm excited to see what God will continue to teach me through my sweet puppy. I pray that you too would allow Jesus to teach you new things through people, pets, children, and friends in your life!

"You're beginning to look like Silas more and more..."

I entitled this as I did because that is what my sweet mother told me this morning. I know that most of you reading this know Silas, but if you don't I would love an excuse to show you a picture of him.

Isn't he precious? My mom assured me that this was a compliment, but I'm not so sure! I attempted to believe the best in my mom's words and came up with some conclusions. We might not look alike (you might disagree), we sure act it.  We both whine when we want something to go our way. We both LOVE treats from the treat jar (Silas loving bones, me loving candy). We enjoy being outside, as well as laying on the couch every once and a while. Our possessions aren't worth going into the garbage until they are completely destroyed and utterly unrecognizable. We both have tall, long legs and are somewhat lanky. We are both good listeners (Silas always listens...and he even turns his head back and forth like he can understand what's really going on). And finally, ever time we see a dog on our walks around the neighborhood, I must pet them and Silas must sniff their butt. So, if this is what my mom was talking about, I would say we are somewhat alike.

However, if you were to ask me what the ultimate compliment would be for me, I think you would be surprised as to what I might say. Recently, in a staff meeting, we were discussing the many talents and abilities of one particular man in our office. Basically, he can do anything! One of my team members described him as a Swiss Army Knife.

Isn't that awesome! I know the picture is a bit exaggerated, but think about someone calling you a swiss army knife! You'd be their go to person! Someone they can count on to fix or do anything. Maybe it's just my desire to be all things to all people (which is probably impossible), but I still think it's a pretty sweet nick name!

I'm not sure what kind of "tools" I would want to pop out when you pushed the right button, but there are many things I find myself completely helpless to when it comes to doing. For instance, my taxes. I have a college education from a good university and I can barely understand the directions on how to fill those stinking forms out. Every year I end up in tears at some point in the process. This year it is only a matter of time. Also, my car! I have no idea how it works or what's wrong with it when it makes a funny noise. All I know how to do is put gas in it, refill the washer fluid and take it to get an oil change once and a while. I'm thankful for my sweet dad who always tried to teach me how things worked and what to do if i heard a certain noise. He's still the first person I call when I have a problem. 

a note about today....

Today was a good day. I was reunited with one of my favorite beverages that I probably haven't had in over a year.

 

You might laugh, but it is absolutely delicious. I realized after making an entire pitcher of it this morning that my favorite cup was at work. Instead of just settling for another cup to drink out of, I took the whole 2 quarts to work. Jenn made some sort of remark when I pulled the 2 quarts of orange flavored beverage out of my lunch bag. However, because both of us enjoyed the entire thing before lunch,  I think it was worth the effort to take it. Maybe tomorrow it will happen again!

An Introduction...

I have always been a hater of blogs. I mean, who wants to display their life on the internet for everyone to read. However, I have been intrigued by a couple of my friends' blogs and have really enjoyed hearing about their lives. More than anything, something worth remembering happens everyday. I'm realizing that if I don't write these things down, I tend to forget. Something that might have made me laugh, cry, scream, ponder, or just challenge me, could be lost forever. Also, throughout the entire Old Testament, God is continually calling the Israelites to REMEMBER! They are challenged to remember God's faithfulness and deliverance of them so that when times are hard and God might be hard to see, they will have a foundation to move forward and continue to trust him.

God teaches me new things daily and I want to remember them. Currently for part of my ministry training, I have to study an epistle for 1 month. I have been studying Galatians for the past week and I feel as though God is showing me new things daily. Although I have known the gospel since I was a small child, I am realizing that my life doesn't always filter through the truth that it communicates. For example, although I know that I am completely saved by grace, I think there is some way in which I need to earn God's favor for me. I need to read my bible daily, speak in psalms, be a patient driver, be joyous always, praying continually and the list continues...Instead of accepting Christ's forgiveness, I try and partner with God to somehow justify receiving the amazing gift that he has given. Is anything really free? I love Paul's blatant response to this. He says in Galatians 2:21 "I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." My continual efforts to earn God's favor and affection for me are in a sense belittling the fact that my righteousness was earned through Christ's death on the cross. Any efforts on my part to become "more righteous" are worthless. It has already been done. Paul later continues in Galatians saying that we are literally "clothed in Christ". It is like he has allowed us to be completely encapsulated by the very body and being of Christ himself. Weird in some ways to think about, but beautiful! I have a long way to go until my actual heart reflects the work that Christ has already done, but I continue to believe God's Spirit to work in me.

My challenge for the days, weeks and months ahead is this: 
         "But by faith, we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope" Galatians 5:5